My Journey to Motherhood

There I was, sitting in a cool crowded room waiting to start choir practice on a hot Phoenix morning when it hit me and hit me hard. I wasn’t ready for it and wasn’t expecting it. It was like getting punched in the stomach. I lost my breath. A good friend of mine just announced to the room with a blank shocked look on her face that she was pregnant. She didn’t even want to be pregnant -that was obvious. I, on the other hand, had been quietly trying to get pregnant for over two years and nothing. Not a blip on the radar.

I hate that moment – the moment you can’t control your own emotions. The tears welled up so fast that I couldn’t contain them. How awful would it be to burst into tears while everyone else was congratulating the happy couple? I quickly stood up and tried to make my way out of the room as quickly and quietly as possible. Which felt impossible, of course. I shimmied out of my row, pushed through the crowd in the front and hit those last few steps almost a run. I didn’t want anyone to know. I didn’t want to steal their joy. I didn’t want to be embarrassed. Stupid tears!!!

While the choir room at Phoenix First Assembly was crowded, the massive sanctuary was dark and quiet. I actually think I might have ran outside first but I can’t remember, its all a blur. What I do remember was a good friend of mine who saw me and within seconds was by my side. She must have caught the look on my face (or heaven forbid, everyone else did too) and came after me. She asked the dreaded question, “Are you okay?” and with that the emotional dam broke. All the pain, fear, doubt and disappointment of the previous two years came pouring out in that ugly cry where you can’t hardly talk through your breath gasping cry.

She listened and so gently put her arms around me. She did the one thing I didn’t know I needed. She just held me. With tears streaming down my face, I told her how forgotten I felt. Like I had become invisible to God as I watched all those around me get pregnant without even trying or within a month of trying. I didn’t even realize how much I had interpreted the inability of getting pregnant as rejection by God until the words tumbled out of my mouth.

I also didn’t realize that I didn’t need to bear it alone. I know, I am stubbornly independent like that. I didn’t want everyone to know. I wanted to be strong. I wanted to be okay. It was in that moment sitting in a dark quiet sanctuary that I realized I a good friend to listen, pray and walk with me through the dark shadows of my journey as well as the sunlight ones. Thank you, Raquel for your arms and ears, your heart of compassion and prayers. My burden become lighter that day because I shared it with someone who cared.

As Mother’s Day approaches, I can’t help but think of that moment ao many years ago. The emotional pain takes it toll and is real. Infertility can be such a lonely place to be because you don’t want to steal anybody else’s joy.

Statistics show that 2.1 million women are dealing with infertility (have been unable to conceive for 12 months in a row) right now. Fertility problems strike one in three women over 35 and one in six couples are infertile. For a generation that wait to get married well into their late 20’s and early 30’s, infertility becomes a relevant issue and effects all of our lives.

The good news is that God walks with you on your journey, whatever it is. If you are in the midst of infertility, you are not forgotten and join the hall of fame of women who God used to bring a child of promise into the world: Sarah, Hannah, Elizabeth and more. If infertility has not impacted you, you can be the arms, ears, compassionate hearts and prayers for someone who is.  I didn’t need Raquel to understand what I was going through, I just needed her love.

After trying for five years, I was surprised to find out that I was pregnant with Justin Ryan Grasso. His name had already been picked out from a dream I had during the first year of trying to conceive and on May 4, 2000 that dream literally came true. Kyle Robert Grasso followed 22 months later and I was elbow deep in dirty diapers for what felt like decades.

Today I wanted to share with you my journey to Motherhood.  I treasure the day now but never forget to whisper a prayer for those who have yet to arrive or have lost a child since.

There is no guarantee that our journey will be easy. We are only promised that we do not journey alone.

The Lord is close to those whose hearts have been broken.
He saves those whose spirits have been crushed. 

Psalm 34:18 NIRV

He heals those who have broken hearts. He takes care of their wounds. 

Psalm 147:3 NIRV

Laugh with your friends when they are happy; share tears with them when they are down. 

Romans 12:0 MSG

Here’s is the picture I used when I posted this blog years ago of my two little miracles, Justin at 12yrs and Kyle at 10 yrs old. 


And here is a more recent one. 

Justin just turned 17 & Kyle 15 years old. 

Wherever you are on your journey, my prayer is that you are encouraged today and realize that you don’t have to walk it alone. 

My, Not So Little Anymore, Miracle

In a few minutes a party will start. Aunts,uncles, cousins and family friends will arrive. Kids will jump excitedly into the pool, presents will be opened and cupcakes consumed. Today we are celebrating Justin’s 10th year of life. Justin is my oldest child, my firstborn son and my not so little anymore miracle.

I remember clearly the dream I had about 13 years ago. I had been married for two years and trying for the majority of that time to have a baby. One morning I woke up remembering a dream I had of holding a baby boy in my arms and knowing that he was my son. I also knew that this boy’s name was Justin Ryan Grasso. I wrote it all down in my journal and for days,weeks and a few months, I hoped. But soon it hurt too much to hope and I tried to go on with my life. I put the journal away and tucked the desire to be a mom deep down inside where it throbbed with every beat of my heart. I tried not to focus on it but felt it just the same.

Every woman has a journey that she does not anticipate. Some part of her life that she couldn’t have imagined or would have chosen. Because life doesn’t follow the scripts we dream up as young girls. Things happen, people exercise their free will, and bodies don’t work. The script changes and the only thing we can control is our attitude and even that feels out if control at times.

I was rounding the corner of five years married and four years trying to get pregnant when I looked down at the pregnancy test and was stunned to see the plus sign.

It was only after we couldn’t agree on a name, that I dug out that journal to see what the name of that little boy I dreamed was. His name was Justin Ryan and this month he turned ten years old.

A few hours later….

The party is over. Fun was had and cupcakes consumed. A little big boy was loved and spoiled.

There were so many moments before Justin was concieved that I remember feeling powerless and out of control. I would sit and ponder the impossibility of getting pregant and having a baby.

Today as I watched my not so little anymore miracle jump off the diving board like a maniac,laugh,smile and imagine that he is a superhero, I am reminded that the things that are impossible for me are not impossible for God.

I am reminded that I am not in control of my story but I am not alone in it either. That chapter by chapter, God has been faithful to walk with me, help me grow and has even created a miracle or two for me to love, help grow and guide.

I am reminded that maybe the things I think are an impossibility today just might be a miracle tomorrow that I will live to write about in a few years.

Dear Presious Lord, thank you for my miracle. Guide him, grow him, keep him. And help me to place all my other impossibilities into your very capable and sovereign hands.